Somewhere, He opens a window...

"Whenever God closes a door, He opens a window." So says the Reverend Mother to Maria. (SOM) Or maybe the line is, Somewhere, or Somehow, He opens a window. Well either way, that somewhere or somehow has nothing to do with me.

In my expereince, it all happens more along the lines of God opens a window, and then while your busy looking out the window, the door opens and slams and causes the window to slam in your face. Francis flew to Vegas. Cecilia called and admited that she was unhappy and wanted (actually wanted!!!!!!) to come home., and if she came home, I could go home too! and be HOME and with CELIA both at the same time!!!!!!!The door and the window were suddenly open in my dim life. Then Celia wasn't coming home. And after 48hrs of sheer, unmitigated happiness, Francis left with even more of my heart. And now Im back in the windowless, shuttered room....inhaling stagnent Sleeky breath and praying that the war will end soon. (so i can stop hiding in the attic and see the light of the day for the first time since hitler started his anti semetic movement and my father got taken away.....o, is my situation not that bad? Im a whining pussy? what?)

The possibility of LIGHT returning to the abyss

So I last talked to cecila on Sunday, and she was very upset, and her crying made me cry. (which ruined my makeup but seriously who cares) and I am worried about her because I have not talked to her since, and I talked to Mom on Sunday afternoon as well, and she told me that she was sending an email to S, and I am worried/wondering what she said, and if Celia talked to S, and what the sitch is over there in Dland

I am hoping against hope that all went to hbomb and my Wugtug is coming home. I will immediately come home too. I cannot imagine anything better than living with my Wuggins for a few months, both of us kinda working, kinda not, and mostly just finally, finally being BFFs again, and getting to spend boring, pointless, wonderful time together. I would literally WALK home from Sin City just to spend a few weeks with her.

(Dear Celia, please come home. Please please please please. It would make me the happiest person in legit the history of the world, and I think it (might, possibly, hopefully) make you happy too. I mean, We could be the HAPPIEST!)

June 11 POWWOW

Quick POW/WOW before I watch my nightly dose of Jewishdevilstoolbox aka the TV aka a DVD on my laptop AKA 24 season 6

So, my WOW of the day was actually great; I hung out with Sleeky, and though not AS important, I got a lot of Anatomy and Phys done! I went through the whole unit on the Endocrine System, answered all the Critical Thinking Questions (each of which required an APA style reference seperate from the textbook) and wrote my Learning Journal. <3 not to mention I got to watch Mary and Jimmy slobber and ooze all over each other the whole day, which was also great. <3<3<3

POW.......turns out I did about 60x the amount of work I needed to. I answered ALL 15 CTQs, complete with research and APA references at the end of each lengthy paragraph.....and it turns out I only needed to do 3. Pow. O well. I guess I learned something.........READ THE DIRECTIONS AGAIN!
And I realized my job is seriously pathetic, and I need to keep looking.

June 10 POW/WOW

Today. I got up. ate. tried to do anat and phys, failed. went to work. got home. ate dinner. went to best buy. bought dad 'the best of pavarotti' for Fathers Day. went home. ripped the cd i bought for dad onto my computer. talked to francis. came back inside. spent an hour on goldenclassics.com because there was a giftcard for 5 free song downloads in the cd, and we all know dad wouldnt use it.
So the WOW of my day has been downloading the following:
Beethoven's 5th
Unto Us a Child is Born
Aida-Triumphant March
Overture from Nebucco.

Yes, this last one is because I remember back in the days of homeschool how much mom LOVED that piece, and would always cry....so I wanted to download it cuz Im sappy like that.

My POW of the day (other than not getting to chat with my sister on gmail due to stupid article and stupid anatomy and phys) needs a small bit of backstory. I live with this girl named Mary, she was my best friend from back home, and when I decided to move to Vegas, I talked to my sister and brother and asked if she could possibly come with, because it would be good for her to have the change, and I thought that having my bff out there would equal awesomeness. However, as discussed in previous blogs, things havent exactly worked out the way I imagined. To get back to my POW, Jimmy has been over since Mary got off work, which was 2 hours before I got off. Ever since (4pm) they have been cuddling on the couch playing solitaire, facebooking, etc. being entirely unsocial and inappropriate. About a half hour ago, Francis called again to say goodnight. I went outside to talk to him and smoke a cig, Murdoc and Jimzilla followed. Mary sat down in her own chair, and Jimmy in his, and she lit a cig, just as I got off the phone with Franci (heart). As i closed my phone, she got into jimmys lap. (there are 5 fucking chairs around the porch table) I hate snuggling, I hate it when people do it on the sunporch (clare and tony, holly and dane) I think its rude to do around others, especially if you are with a 'third wheel'. (not to mention a 'third wheel' who hasnt seen her beloved in a month and is seriously losing it without him). In a most uncarrie-istic manner, I said
"uh......long pause..........i dont mean this to sound rude or anything at all, but would you mind sitting in your own chairs..?"

death glare from M, slight shift in weight, long, awk silence.

"Im not trying to be mean, and i mean, you dont have to, this isnt my house, but I would kinda appreciate it"

long death stare from M
"You cant expect the world around you to change, you just need to change your attitude"-M
"would it make you feel any better if I told you i got an email from Henderson?"-J

So that was my POW. and it felt like a literal POW in the chest. Like a punch from my best friend who is supposed to be considerate, care how I feel, realize how much her new relationship SUCKS FUCKING UNWASHED HAIRY ASSHOLE for me, and appreciate that i give them constant alone time (and hang out by myself every single night) instead tell me basically to fuck off. Cuz thats what i heard. even if she worded it differently.

I am h8in life right now. I have spent every single night hanging out with myself for the past week. Literally. Best nights, I drink beer and play DDR by myself. But then I made a bet with Michael Sunday night that I wouldnt drink anything all week and if I didnt, he would buy me a 6-pack saturday night. so I just watch FNL (haha dont worry. Mary has given me tons of shit about watching and finishing with out her) alone. Tonight is going to be new and exciting, Im gonna watch season 6 of 24 instead. Execpt I really dont like watching 24 alone, its so intense!!! Not to mention that its not good to watch it at night because of the adrenelane rushes.......

Bye bye love, bye bye happiness, hello lonliness, I feel like I could cry.....

The Job Hunt: status:captured.

I am, as of 10am this morning, a proud, proud employee of Tropical Smoothie Cafe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I start training this afternoon at 4, and then train tomorrow and wednesday, and then thursday I begin as a full employee. AND they want me to become a shift runner, which is basically a shift manager, which means I would make more money than anyone else, and be in a position of poweeeeeeer......ooooo yes.
I am le stoked.
Who else is proud? anyone? excited? anyone? I AM!

The Endocrine System (cuz thats what I should be doing)

This blog goes out to every sister whose ever felt like she got the short end of the stick---
THIS IS FOR YOU
This is for every sister who never got no date to no school dance---
THIS IS FOR YOU
This is for every sister who misses her best friend (aka sister)......
THIS IS FOR YOU!!!!!
Here we go, here we go.......

So right now I am kinda sorta not really at all helping Nichael put his masks up....in a nice diagnonal design across three walls.....
"Aiden, Daddy said NO with her tail"-Maggie
"Aiden, I said NO. Do yo uwant time out?"
"whiiiiine"-abused sleeky

Friday Night Lights is my current friend, companion, and amusement. It is about football, love and society in the small town of Dylan, Texas. I know it sounds kinda boring, being that football is one of the main themes, but actually its really good. I am on the last disk though, so thats sad.
But once I finish FNL, then I have season 6 of 24, which apparently is really good.....

Do you ever stay up really late for no reason except that for some reason its so nice to be the only on up in a silent, dark house? Its like your the only one in the world, and the world is at peace. I am used to alone time, I'm used to Route 66 E/W driving alone time, I'm used to having sleeping-alone time, eating alone time, bathroom alone time, and just general alone time. These days there is no such thing as alone time, and I realize that I miss it. I miss being able to cheyull carrie-style, you know, just be surrounded by silence and escape into thoughtless or thoughtful oblivion. The fact that these days I am never alone attributes to the fact that I haven't been keeping up with this blog....this blog is secret, I dont want anyone I live with to know about it, and so I have to make sure that I am relatively alone whenever I blog.
Let me tell a quick story about the other night. Wednesday night I wrote about a half page blog regarding the tense, awkward and stressful situation and feelings eminating from M&M. They we;re upstairs putting A to bed, and I was sitting in the living room. Then I got a phone call from Franci, so I put the computer on the coffee table and went outside to talk to him. When I came back in, M&M had come back downstairs (which they normally dont do) and we're sitting in the living room with Mary-my open computer screen directly in front of Michael. By the time i came in, the screen was black, which meant that the screen saver had already run its time. Luckily, Michael hadnot sat down until after the screen saver had come on, but whoah, what a close call! I mean..........um..........yeah.

So right now Michael is still putting masks up, and drying very hard to make them look cheill, which they dont right now, so i had better go help him.

I'm gonna love you foreeeeever

I miss Celia.
I miss Francis.
I miss having friends, and independance, a job, money to spend, and Deathcab (rio)

I need to go to bed right now, but I wanted to post a quick update on my loneliness scale: 100/100 lonely.

And, my online class is hard as iron nutsacks. Fucking sucks.

Life is so intimedating....everyday for some reason is FULL of dread, and shit that i need to be doing but that i literally cannot find the energy to charge into it. So instead i fumble thru whatever it is, without enthusiasm.

And i do not want to work at Timbers. Infact, I really dont think i will. (dont tell mary)

Finally, I love my wugtug. she is ngnyen to me.

Expectations...

so basically life is not what i expected it to be here in the hot, dry, sun-baked (and baked if you know what i mean) city of Las Vegas.....
I dont know exactly what i DID expect...but I figured it would be sunshine and rainbows....I thought I getting a job would be a cinch (lol), I thought that I would be able to take that one-day- a- week class at CCSN (ha!), I didn't really imagine/consider the reality of life without my Sunbeam, and finally, I did not at ALL imagine the subtle and the not-so-sublte stresses and silent conflicts that define every single fucking day!!!!!!!!!!!
I have already discussed some of the conflicts that have occured with my beloved reader (wug-tug) but there are more i must discuss.
Life with is not what i had imagined/expected/hoped it would be. I forgot to take into account the fact that we have both changed, a lot, and in totally different directions the past 2 years. I also failed to factor in the effect of money, or should i say, the lack of it. Basically, sadly, this whole thing is not working out so much...........


Life with Mary D is not at all what I had imagined. I never considered the fact that we have both become much, much different people over the past 2 years.....that she has become politically correct to a mason-extreme, and therefore everytime i make a vertant or inadvertant comment regarding gays,blacks,spics,cripples,etc she gets pissy and offended. And honestly, that is one of my pet peeves right there. Srsly. I have nothing against gays. Fuck dudes/pussies if you want. but I have every fucking right to call this unecessary shit gay. same for retards. i dont want to be a retard, or work with retards, but i dont want kill them or any nazi shit, so fuck off if you get offended by my calling a broken ____retarded. I dont literally mean mentally challanged. get the fuck over it, yourself, and polital-correctness!

Second. I forgot how sensitive mary is. and I never factored in that maggie is also ridic sensitive. So. Lets add their combine sensitivity....=uber,suber,hyper sensitive. both of them. about everything. even shit that doesnt involve them. (ie, jimmy's horrendous grammer/spelling. both got pissed, i mean legit PISSED at me for joking about it) and then add (+) your, mine, and francis' humor....ie how i am accustomed to joking.....and what do you get? ah. yes. caroline is the outsider bitch, who everyone is a little pissy at.
Cool. Heart that. Dont EVER feel unwanted, insecure or the outsider.

Thirdly. I want to talk about cash baby, I want to talk about you and me....
I, as you know, have worked a part time job (as many hours as possible) along with my NURSING ciriculum for the past year and some. Mary has worked half of that time, in Front Royal, while taking whatever-the-fuck-she-wants class. I have been able to save a tiny bit of money. ( 740 before i left f.r) mary has saved diddly. (and its not like she has to pay any bills that i dont. im serious, her mom pays cell, we both pay insurance, gas, clothes and luxeries, except that i also pay for ALL of francis, ALL sunporch alchohol, etc. I have spent, over the last year, literally $10000 dollars on booze/smokes that has benefited her,you, franci, me, clare, tony, will, random xendom fucks, etc and she hasnt payed shit)
The Chase: I drove out here with 15 packs of Marlb Lights to have when I got here. I smoked 2 packs, and arrived with 13. Mary had one. (and yes cigs are way more expensive out here than home) I shared with her, cig for cig, and was out within 6 days. ie, no more. I am an addict, so I bought another pack at LV prices. We split that. Two days ago Jimmy buys her (and I?) an ENTIRE CARTON of store-brand cigs. When mary recieved them, she immediatly told me that jimmy had bought US a carton of cigs, isnt that awesome?" meanwhile, before he gave her said carton, I had bought another pack of marlb lights for $ 4.50 at local station of gas. Today she was gone with mag at pool most of day, so i packed and smoked two of my cigs while talking to you. mary saw the butts in ashtray. this evening she asked me if *I* had cigs. i told her i had my emergency pack only. she got pissy and weird-mary-like and said "ok omg fine, i'll get my own" went upstairs, got herself a new pack --the 2nd pack of a 10 pack carton---and didnt offer me one. I had to ask. I have to ask every time. This fucking infuriates me becuase she didnt goddamn fucking pay bullfucking shit for those cigs, and i shared that ones that I DID with her without waiting to be asked. Further more, Francis told me that he is sending out 2 cartons from VA, one for me, one for her. UGH i know this rant is more boring than balls, but i am SO SO SO SO SO SO pissed/upset/offended by it. and ofcourse i wont say a word to her about it. O, and havre i mentioned that she hasnt bought any beer since being out here? i've paid for all of it? or lets talk about face wash, razor heads and hair products. O, huh. mary doesnt have any. She uses mine. Does she ask? no. Does she offer to buy more? no.

Ceelz i am SO stressed about money right now...my savings is pathetic. I have 300 hundred left, and no job. I cannot pay for both of us, but since I have thus far, I desperatly want to be treated by her.

Sorry to even post this petty, long ass blog about shit.
i love you.
sorry it isnt deep or anything lol....but at least it IS TSSOS

My greatly desired future CD or playlist...

The Pretender
Somebody's Baby
Laid-James
Amanda-Boston
Built this City-Journey
We Belong-Pat Benetar
Love is a Battlefield-Pat Benetar
Just cuz she dances go go, that dont make her a ho no....

sooooo nuggs?

The Soft Sounds of Sister Sex

The Soft Sounds of Sister Sex......The daybed. Delici.
I'll write more later