Expectations...

so basically life is not what i expected it to be here in the hot, dry, sun-baked (and baked if you know what i mean) city of Las Vegas.....
I dont know exactly what i DID expect...but I figured it would be sunshine and rainbows....I thought I getting a job would be a cinch (lol), I thought that I would be able to take that one-day- a- week class at CCSN (ha!), I didn't really imagine/consider the reality of life without my Sunbeam, and finally, I did not at ALL imagine the subtle and the not-so-sublte stresses and silent conflicts that define every single fucking day!!!!!!!!!!!
I have already discussed some of the conflicts that have occured with my beloved reader (wug-tug) but there are more i must discuss.
Life with is not what i had imagined/expected/hoped it would be. I forgot to take into account the fact that we have both changed, a lot, and in totally different directions the past 2 years. I also failed to factor in the effect of money, or should i say, the lack of it. Basically, sadly, this whole thing is not working out so much...........


Life with Mary D is not at all what I had imagined. I never considered the fact that we have both become much, much different people over the past 2 years.....that she has become politically correct to a mason-extreme, and therefore everytime i make a vertant or inadvertant comment regarding gays,blacks,spics,cripples,etc she gets pissy and offended. And honestly, that is one of my pet peeves right there. Srsly. I have nothing against gays. Fuck dudes/pussies if you want. but I have every fucking right to call this unecessary shit gay. same for retards. i dont want to be a retard, or work with retards, but i dont want kill them or any nazi shit, so fuck off if you get offended by my calling a broken ____retarded. I dont literally mean mentally challanged. get the fuck over it, yourself, and polital-correctness!

Second. I forgot how sensitive mary is. and I never factored in that maggie is also ridic sensitive. So. Lets add their combine sensitivity....=uber,suber,hyper sensitive. both of them. about everything. even shit that doesnt involve them. (ie, jimmy's horrendous grammer/spelling. both got pissed, i mean legit PISSED at me for joking about it) and then add (+) your, mine, and francis' humor....ie how i am accustomed to joking.....and what do you get? ah. yes. caroline is the outsider bitch, who everyone is a little pissy at.
Cool. Heart that. Dont EVER feel unwanted, insecure or the outsider.

Thirdly. I want to talk about cash baby, I want to talk about you and me....
I, as you know, have worked a part time job (as many hours as possible) along with my NURSING ciriculum for the past year and some. Mary has worked half of that time, in Front Royal, while taking whatever-the-fuck-she-wants class. I have been able to save a tiny bit of money. ( 740 before i left f.r) mary has saved diddly. (and its not like she has to pay any bills that i dont. im serious, her mom pays cell, we both pay insurance, gas, clothes and luxeries, except that i also pay for ALL of francis, ALL sunporch alchohol, etc. I have spent, over the last year, literally $10000 dollars on booze/smokes that has benefited her,you, franci, me, clare, tony, will, random xendom fucks, etc and she hasnt payed shit)
The Chase: I drove out here with 15 packs of Marlb Lights to have when I got here. I smoked 2 packs, and arrived with 13. Mary had one. (and yes cigs are way more expensive out here than home) I shared with her, cig for cig, and was out within 6 days. ie, no more. I am an addict, so I bought another pack at LV prices. We split that. Two days ago Jimmy buys her (and I?) an ENTIRE CARTON of store-brand cigs. When mary recieved them, she immediatly told me that jimmy had bought US a carton of cigs, isnt that awesome?" meanwhile, before he gave her said carton, I had bought another pack of marlb lights for $ 4.50 at local station of gas. Today she was gone with mag at pool most of day, so i packed and smoked two of my cigs while talking to you. mary saw the butts in ashtray. this evening she asked me if *I* had cigs. i told her i had my emergency pack only. she got pissy and weird-mary-like and said "ok omg fine, i'll get my own" went upstairs, got herself a new pack --the 2nd pack of a 10 pack carton---and didnt offer me one. I had to ask. I have to ask every time. This fucking infuriates me becuase she didnt goddamn fucking pay bullfucking shit for those cigs, and i shared that ones that I DID with her without waiting to be asked. Further more, Francis told me that he is sending out 2 cartons from VA, one for me, one for her. UGH i know this rant is more boring than balls, but i am SO SO SO SO SO SO pissed/upset/offended by it. and ofcourse i wont say a word to her about it. O, and havre i mentioned that she hasnt bought any beer since being out here? i've paid for all of it? or lets talk about face wash, razor heads and hair products. O, huh. mary doesnt have any. She uses mine. Does she ask? no. Does she offer to buy more? no.

Ceelz i am SO stressed about money right now...my savings is pathetic. I have 300 hundred left, and no job. I cannot pay for both of us, but since I have thus far, I desperatly want to be treated by her.

Sorry to even post this petty, long ass blog about shit.
i love you.
sorry it isnt deep or anything lol....but at least it IS TSSOS