So I am home again.
To quote myself this past Saturday night: "Being home is weird....its so normal, but like, weird! at the same time. Isnt that weird? (self depricating laugh) Dont I have an extensive vocabulary?"
But it is! Exactly like that! Nothing has changed....except there is a new rug on the sunporch (Dad is still trying to hold me fiscally responsible) and the bathroom is empty..and so is my sisters room....and dad sawed the 4 posts and tapestry off the master bed....and flora is too obese to walk, and beuhla actually smells better. But it feels so weird to be home, like all the memories from before I left, which I thought were pleasent, now come flooding to me every time I see or smell something, and I feel kinda nauseated...I dont know why...even stuff from kelly's wedding or parties on the sunporch...I guess its all so interconnected with family and school drama and stress that my physical response to such stimuli is negative.
Journing off the homefront and into the Francisfront however, things are different.
As I have previously mentioned, he has been depressed, frustrated, dissatisfied, etc. and we really have not had a chance to have one of our 8 hour long convos where we talk about everything going on, share our souls, and make elegant future intentions. But we did talk for a very brief time today, and he managed to go straight to the soul of it.
Our relationship needs to take the next step forward---the step into an adult, mature relationship. This means we both focus on moving forward in our own lives, (particularly f, because I'm moving forward no matter what) and change accordingly. We need to drink and party less. Francis needs to put away money, and decide where his life is headed.
That is all nonverbatim quote from what Francis said tonight. I am so so so excited that he said that. i am so *thrilled* (barfmombarf) that he wants that change, and wants to head toward a tangible, realistic goal in our relationship, and that he is finally, seriously ready to move forward in his future that I could cry. But what does that mean in the short-run? When and how are we going to see eachother this next semester? Where is this going to take us? How is this change going to happen? I dont know! I am wiling to sacrifice anything for him.....but I am still kinda scared. Ok no. Really scared. I rely on him so much; on seeing him, on cuddling with him (literally, I mean cuddles. When he cuddles me I feel like nothing else matters and everything will be ok, no matter what else is going on) on his emotional and physical support, everything!
I see this upcoming semester as the biggest mountain yet. I know that I will climb it, I know I will do fine. I just dont know how it will happen.
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i dont know how it shall happen, but i know it shall. (Does he make you tingle all oooover?)
Oh wug. Oh first, to afddress the homefront.
WTF??? WHY did dad saw of the 4 posters? Take pics of the rug, must know what it looks like. Do we get to put the old on in a museum?
What else... oh yes, is my room really empty, or is Drod still in there? And di you get my email on gmail?? Please resond if you did... i know it is such a pain in the ass, but i promise i will find a way to pay you back if you do it for me... promise.
OK on to... franci!
I am so happy for yu that he is thinking about the long run (FINALLY). I know how scary that seems. Yrust me. But I am so glad you guys are getting ready to move forward. I shall not mince my words: In order fo rhim to be aqble to move on, you need to be more independent and less clingy. I think. Like, not begging him to come down to DC becuase you had a abd day, and not pleading with him to stay up after 4 am becuase you want him to spend the night. That stuff. I mean, he loves you so much, he has always and will always do almost anyhting you tell him to. So you need to give him the space to do things for the long-run carrie and effit, not the immeadiate carrie and effit. That is my opinion.
Howerver, i am *thrilled* (rofl) that you are willing to do it. Like legit nuggs. I think you have grown up a gargantuin amount this summer and I am really proud of you. is that sick of me to say? I am so so so so so so so so so excited to see you. really, I havent been homseick for a while, but reading this and looking at pics on fbook made me miss you so hard...i wish you and Effi could come to Rome for thanksgiving. Wouldnt it be amazing????
We must talk on the phone soon. Oh and effort needs to keep his phone charge,d i was nohwere NEAR done talking to him.
Love you
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